Recovering

It's crazy and amazing all at the same time to reflect what my life was this time two years ago. In so many ways I'm SO happy/proud of who I today, and I'm so much happier with what my life is like now. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, going down the wrong path, and everything about this time gave me so many triggers to my eating disorder that only recently I have been able to realize it. You're probably thinking, "how does this relate to your eating disorder/recovery at all?" Bare with me. Not only was everything at this time two years ago taking a toll on my eating disorder, but also my anxiety and my depression. Everything is tied into one and at this time I felt like everything was crashing down on me. I could never figure out why I felt so much anxiety, why I wasn't happy when I had every reason to be, and why I constantly had triggers to fall back on my eating disorder. Sometimes, that's how it is... You don't know. But, sometimes yo...

I’ve had many times in my life where I could say I felt lonely, more times than I would like to admit.. Haven’t we all? I mean, I still do, and I never thought I would say I’m thankful for feeling that way over and over again, but I am. Being broken and alone taught me how to make myself happy. I mean, I can’t tell you how many times hearing “no one can make you happy but yourself” made me want to rip my hair out, but it’s true. There is so much truth in that statement that it almost makes my stomach turn because of how long I waited do that exactly for myself. Whether that comes to friendships, relationships, or just day to day life. Yes, people can help make you feel better, cheer you up, or make your day. DONT GET ME WRONG. Keep those people around, hold ‘em close. Keep people around that make your life better, but don’t rely on those people to feed your happiness and keep you content. The sad truth is people can leave, people move forward. In the end, you can only rely on yoursel...

Today, i relapsed. It kills me to write this right now, but all I can keep reminding myself to slightly feel better is "it happens." To all people, to all addictions- it happens. I think I'm more upset over the fact that I literally couldn't even tell you the last time I fell back on my eating disorder. Probably close to 4 years since, atleast from what I can remember. I'm proud of that, and I'm not at all proud of today. I haven't wrote on my blog in a good 2 years, I've been itching to get back into it, and of course.. this is the time I start back up again. Sad, right? It's ironic to me, really. I started this blog to share my eating disorder. every struggle, and the daily struggle. So here we are, this happens to be one. It's important to me to remember that I didn't completely finish. I let it out once, I reminded myself I am better than this and I can stop now. So I did, right then. In the past when I would be done throwing up, I...