Growth and Change
It's crazy and amazing all at the same time to reflect what my life was this time two years ago. In so many ways I'm SO happy/proud of who I today, and I'm so much happier with what my life is like now. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, going down the wrong path, and everything about this time gave me so many triggers to my eating disorder that only recently I have been able to realize it. You're probably thinking, "how does this relate to your eating disorder/recovery at all?" Bare with me.
Not only was everything at this time two years ago taking a toll on my eating disorder, but also my anxiety and my depression. Everything is tied into one and at this time I felt like everything was crashing down on me. I could never figure out why I felt so much anxiety, why I wasn't happy when I had every reason to be, and why I constantly had triggers to fall back on my eating disorder. Sometimes, that's how it is... You don't know. But, sometimes you do.
The reason behind all the triggers was that I wasn't hanging out with the best people, I wasn't surrounding myself in the best environment. These feelings and those triggers weren't their fault, I was putting myself in those situations, but it all had an effect. At the time, I had gone through so much in that year that I was unbelievably clouded as to what the hell I was actually doing. I was abusing alcohol, drinking way more often than I ever have and should ever have, I was surrounded by drugs and because of my triggers, I can't even begin to tell you how close I was to doing them. Luckily, I didn't.
When you have an eating disorder, or even anxiety and depression, mental illnesses, etc., sometimes you look for things to fill the void while recovering or even after recovery. That's what I was doing. I was loosing family members to death every few months. Things weren't terrible, but they weren't the greatest either. I was still recovering from self harm and my eating disorder, but wasn't purging or cutting anymore. When my anxiety and depression was worse in the past, I used to lean on those things like crutches. Since I couldn't and didn't want to go back to that place, I did other things. I filled the void so much differently than before. I drank. I was smoking cigarettes. I was staying up until 4, 5, sometimes 6 am partying. I was hanging out with people who didn't have my best interest at heart. I wasn't on the best track. I constantly had anxiety, I almost always had urges to self harm/purge. I wasn't the happiest all around.
Now, not that smoking, drinking, or anything like that is the worst thing ever- I still drink, but not how and why I was before. I'm not surrounded by drugs and having the urge to want to try them. To be frank, I want nothing to do with them. I'm not partying, and I'm lucky if I make it to 12 am.. ahah. I only surround my self with people who have my best interest at heart, truly care about me, my health, and my well being. I have to say I have the best damn people in my life, best support system, and I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I don't surround my self with things or people that make want to go back to the way things were before. I have to say, that's something I can and will be be proud of. I'll scream it from the top of a mountain, because I'm so much happier with who I am and how things are today.
I'm sure we all at some point or another went through something that made us/changed us. Seriously, I think it's not only crucial but amazing to go through something in life that makes you you and makes you better. What is life all about if we aren't constantly learning and evolving? We all have times in our life that have changed us for the better, or made us a better version of ourselves, right? So be so damn proud/happy about it because seriously, it’s so great when you can pull yourself out of any dark place in life, and it's even more great when you can come out of it all better.
Not only was everything at this time two years ago taking a toll on my eating disorder, but also my anxiety and my depression. Everything is tied into one and at this time I felt like everything was crashing down on me. I could never figure out why I felt so much anxiety, why I wasn't happy when I had every reason to be, and why I constantly had triggers to fall back on my eating disorder. Sometimes, that's how it is... You don't know. But, sometimes you do.
The reason behind all the triggers was that I wasn't hanging out with the best people, I wasn't surrounding myself in the best environment. These feelings and those triggers weren't their fault, I was putting myself in those situations, but it all had an effect. At the time, I had gone through so much in that year that I was unbelievably clouded as to what the hell I was actually doing. I was abusing alcohol, drinking way more often than I ever have and should ever have, I was surrounded by drugs and because of my triggers, I can't even begin to tell you how close I was to doing them. Luckily, I didn't.
When you have an eating disorder, or even anxiety and depression, mental illnesses, etc., sometimes you look for things to fill the void while recovering or even after recovery. That's what I was doing. I was loosing family members to death every few months. Things weren't terrible, but they weren't the greatest either. I was still recovering from self harm and my eating disorder, but wasn't purging or cutting anymore. When my anxiety and depression was worse in the past, I used to lean on those things like crutches. Since I couldn't and didn't want to go back to that place, I did other things. I filled the void so much differently than before. I drank. I was smoking cigarettes. I was staying up until 4, 5, sometimes 6 am partying. I was hanging out with people who didn't have my best interest at heart. I wasn't on the best track. I constantly had anxiety, I almost always had urges to self harm/purge. I wasn't the happiest all around.
Now, not that smoking, drinking, or anything like that is the worst thing ever- I still drink, but not how and why I was before. I'm not surrounded by drugs and having the urge to want to try them. To be frank, I want nothing to do with them. I'm not partying, and I'm lucky if I make it to 12 am.. ahah. I only surround my self with people who have my best interest at heart, truly care about me, my health, and my well being. I have to say I have the best damn people in my life, best support system, and I'm the happiest I've been in a while. I don't surround my self with things or people that make want to go back to the way things were before. I have to say, that's something I can and will be be proud of. I'll scream it from the top of a mountain, because I'm so much happier with who I am and how things are today.
I'm sure we all at some point or another went through something that made us/changed us. Seriously, I think it's not only crucial but amazing to go through something in life that makes you you and makes you better. What is life all about if we aren't constantly learning and evolving? We all have times in our life that have changed us for the better, or made us a better version of ourselves, right? So be so damn proud/happy about it because seriously, it’s so great when you can pull yourself out of any dark place in life, and it's even more great when you can come out of it all better.
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