Recovering

I’ll be up front an honest with you guys right now, I used to never see myself as a positive person. Who I am today has taken time, and to be frank it still is taking time. I do believe that while you go through trials, hard times, and in my case recovery- keeping a positive outlook on things and life in general is hard. We all can agree on that, right? I let my negativity over rule everything in my life. I had a negative view on my self, my body image, people around me, recovery, life and all that was happening, and it was easier for me to point the finger at others than take a look in the mirror and fix/focus on myself. When I look back on how I was when I started recovery, angry is the best word to describe my past self. I was angry with everything. I was angry I had to go through recovery and getting better, on top of stopping and ending bad habits. I was angry at everyone around me, even if they had done nothing at all. I was angry with life. I was angry that someone told anothe...

Along with my eating disorder, my anxiety and depression followed. If I could pick and telling you which was worse, it would be those two over my eating disorder. Crazy, right? Bet you didn't expect that one. My eating is a constant struggle, but so were those two. I found them to be worse, only because it was completely different than anything I had to deal with in my eating disorder. Along with my anxiety and depression, came self harm. The reason I say those two were worse than my eating disorder all around is because they hit me all at once. It's easier to tell your self while recovering that "you don't need to purge." "it's not worth it." than being unhappy and anxious and saying "k calm down." or the worst "Be happy." In many ways I could cope with my eating disorder, and it felt impossible with my anxiety and depression. Not only did I have me reminding myself not to purge, but also to try and relax and be happy. During a...

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a perfectionist. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I was just content with being content, but obviously I'm making progress day by day. I’ve always worried about not being my most perfect self, not looking my best, not acting my best. I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of person when it came to myself and how I looked. I've always been hard on myself even during times where I didn't need to be at all. Obviously going through an eating disorder, you’re bond to be a perfectionist, but in every little way I absolutely was. It was the little things. Not just the way I looked, or I saw myself and my body. In literally every way possible. If I was getting ready for school and my hair didn’t turn out the way I wanted, forget it, because I wouldn’t even want to go anymore. If I slightly spilled on my shirt during school or out somewhere with my friends or family, I’d want to go home and change right away. If I didn’t like how my...

In recovery, I feel like everyone has a turning point. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. You don't just wake up one day and think "Maybe I should stop.. Today." Recovery happens when you're ready to put 100% effort into getting better. When you want to do it for yourself. You don't get better right away. It can take months, weeks, years until you give it all up for good. Everyday is a struggle. It's never just over. For one, I think recovery is a part of life, and life doesn't really stop until the end. I don't think recovery will ever be completely over for me, I'll always be recovering. A few months ago, I went through a rough patch. The struggles were very real and very much there. They always will be, just some days will be easier than others. Things have gotten better, but I am constantly recovering. I talk about it because no one should ever feel ashamed (which took me damn near forever to realize I shouldn't be). I wish I realized...