Recovering

Hi, me again. I know I'm the absolute worst at staying consistent with posting. To be honest, during this little break I was tested multiples times on many different occasions when it came to my recovery. To say the least, 2018 was quite year of ups and downs and I'll to save that for a whole other post. I saw a Facebook post going around about the "10 Year Challenge". I didn't really put much thought into it until I realized I can't even remember what life was like for me 10 years ago. Doesn't that seem like forever ago? Then suddenly, I was going through my own Facebook pictures, trying to jog my memory of what place I was in then. Then I came across one photo, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember exactly what life was like 10 years ago. When I first started this blog, I did it because I posted a before and after post on Facebook about a "Transformation Tuesday" showing what my recovery had been for me at that time- comparing when...

I’ll be up front an honest with you guys right now, I used to never see myself as a positive person. Who I am today has taken time, and to be frank it still is taking time. I do believe that while you go through trials, hard times, and in my case recovery- keeping a positive outlook on things and life in general is hard. We all can agree on that, right? I let my negativity over rule everything in my life. I had a negative view on my self, my body image, people around me, recovery, life and all that was happening, and it was easier for me to point the finger at others than take a look in the mirror and fix/focus on myself. When I look back on how I was when I started recovery, angry is the best word to describe my past self. I was angry with everything. I was angry I had to go through recovery and getting better, on top of stopping and ending bad habits. I was angry at everyone around me, even if they had done nothing at all. I was angry with life. I was angry that someone told anothe...

Along with my eating disorder, my anxiety and depression followed. If I could pick and telling you which was worse, it would be those two over my eating disorder. Crazy, right? Bet you didn't expect that one. My eating is a constant struggle, but so were those two. I found them to be worse, only because it was completely different than anything I had to deal with in my eating disorder. Along with my anxiety and depression, came self harm. The reason I say those two were worse than my eating disorder all around is because they hit me all at once. It's easier to tell your self while recovering that "you don't need to purge." "it's not worth it." than being unhappy and anxious and saying "k calm down." or the worst "Be happy." In many ways I could cope with my eating disorder, and it felt impossible with my anxiety and depression. Not only did I have me reminding myself not to purge, but also to try and relax and be happy. During a...

For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a perfectionist. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I was just content with being content, but obviously I'm making progress day by day. I’ve always worried about not being my most perfect self, not looking my best, not acting my best. I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of person when it came to myself and how I looked. I've always been hard on myself even during times where I didn't need to be at all. Obviously going through an eating disorder, you’re bond to be a perfectionist, but in every little way I absolutely was. It was the little things. Not just the way I looked, or I saw myself and my body. In literally every way possible. If I was getting ready for school and my hair didn’t turn out the way I wanted, forget it, because I wouldn’t even want to go anymore. If I slightly spilled on my shirt during school or out somewhere with my friends or family, I’d want to go home and change right away. If I didn’t like how my...

In recovery, I feel like everyone has a turning point. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. You don't just wake up one day and think "Maybe I should stop.. Today." Recovery happens when you're ready to put 100% effort into getting better. When you want to do it for yourself. You don't get better right away. It can take months, weeks, years until you give it all up for good. Everyday is a struggle. It's never just over. For one, I think recovery is a part of life, and life doesn't really stop until the end. I don't think recovery will ever be completely over for me, I'll always be recovering. A few months ago, I went through a rough patch. The struggles were very real and very much there. They always will be, just some days will be easier than others. Things have gotten better, but I am constantly recovering. I talk about it because no one should ever feel ashamed (which took me damn near forever to realize I shouldn't be). I wish I realized...

It's crazy and amazing all at the same time to reflect what my life was this time two years ago. In so many ways I'm SO happy/proud of who I today, and I'm so much happier with what my life is like now. I was hanging out with the wrong crowd, going down the wrong path, and everything about this time gave me so many triggers to my eating disorder that only recently I have been able to realize it. You're probably thinking, "how does this relate to your eating disorder/recovery at all?" Bare with me. Not only was everything at this time two years ago taking a toll on my eating disorder, but also my anxiety and my depression. Everything is tied into one and at this time I felt like everything was crashing down on me. I could never figure out why I felt so much anxiety, why I wasn't happy when I had every reason to be, and why I constantly had triggers to fall back on my eating disorder. Sometimes, that's how it is... You don't know. But, sometimes yo...