Everyday Girl, Everyday Struggles
Along with my eating disorder, my anxiety and depression followed. If I could pick and telling you which was worse, it would be those two over my eating disorder. Crazy, right? Bet you didn't expect that one. My eating is a constant struggle, but so were those two. I found them to be worse, only because it was completely different than anything I had to deal with in my eating disorder. Along with my anxiety and depression, came self harm.
The reason I say those two were worse than my eating disorder all around is because they hit me all at once. It's easier to tell your self while recovering that "you don't need to purge." "it's not worth it." than being unhappy and anxious and saying "k calm down." or the worst "Be happy." In many ways I could cope with my eating disorder, and it felt impossible with my anxiety and depression. Not only did I have me reminding myself not to purge, but also to try and relax and be happy. During all this the only relief I had was cutting. I hate now looking back on it that it turned to that, but every time I cut.. I felt a sense of relief. It's almost like seeing the physically harm made sense, and I could breath again. Obviously this isn't something I recommend, please please please do not self harm. This is just what my story is, and in the moment why I was doing what I did.
Depression and anxiety are hard because I found that they were harder to explain than an eating disorder. Explaining to someone you're unhappy when they think you're fine is hard. Explaining to someone you're feeling constantly anxious is hard because if you don't have a reason why, they won't even attempt to understand. Someone seeing something is physically wrong with you makes more sense than what's beyond the eye. Anxiety and depression are hard for people to understand when they've never gone through it, plain and simple.
I remember telling my parents the first time I was unhappy, and this is nothing against them, they just didn't or understand or believe it was bigger than just being happy. The first thing they said was, "Happiness is a choice." Which anyone who struggles with depression knows we damn well don't choose to sit around and be unhappy. I choose everyday to try and be happy, and that choice never succeeded or went how I want. When people are upset they have a reason behind. When you are depressed, you don't always have one set reason. You're just off.. You're trying your best and nothing is getting where you want to be. You have good days, then the bad feel like they're never ending. But it's important to understand that your worse days in recovery are better than your best days not in recovery.
Once I realized I was just truly unhappy, I noticed my anxiety more and more. As far back as I remember I've always shown signs of anxiety. I was always anxious for no reason, my heart was always racing. I used to have the worst social anxiety, and I remember everywhere we went I made mom talk for me. I dreaded going to bed, knowing I had to wake up the next morning. When something would seriously affect me, I would have an anxiety attack and couldn't breath. One time I literally had so much anxiety that I ended up in the hospital for it. Anxiety is hard because you constantly feel like the world is on your shoulders, and explaining this all to someone who doesn't understand is a never ending battle. Now, with recovery I got over my social anxiety, and it's weird if you ever see me not talking. I do not dread going to bed or waking up the next morning, and I rarely have anxiety attacks anymore. It's all about how you cope with it.
Like I said, before when I had told my parents I was unhappy, it was hard for them to believe. As far as they were concerned, I was fine and "happiness is a choice" that I was failing to pick everytime. One day they saw my scars. That was the moment it all changed.. They realized things were much bigger than they thought and just like my eating disorder, they got me help right away. I saw a doctor that not only could treat me for my anxiety and depression, but also my eating disorder tied into it all and how it did so. I know people are skeptical about medication, that was my parents biggest fear, but it was my saving grace. But plain and simple. it's not for everyone. Not everything one person does works for the next. But honestly, without that and those who care about me, I don't know if I'd still be here writing this today. I know everyone is different, and I'm not saying that if you struggle you should go get on some medication ASAP, but it helped me with everything. My anxiety is diminishing an amazing amount, I no longer felt unhappy and constantly down or in a 'mood.' It's not something I plan on being on forever, but until I feel comfortable and genuinely myself. It's a good crutch to give you that extra push that you need. I went back to seeing/talking to someone, and that's something I'm always an advocate for. It always easier to talk to someone who gets it, than to someone who doesn't. Even if you have friends and family who understand, it's amazing what a different perspective from someone who specialized it can do.
Now, I feel like I can actually breath. Since getting on medication, getting the helped I needed, being open and honest about my struggles, I'm in a good place. The best place I've ever been in. I no longer have anxiety attacks, I'm not constantly unhappy (I mean, I have my days, but who doesn't?), and I no longer self harm. It's all about finding what works for you and sticking to it. I could have easily given up, lived an unhappy life, but no one wants to do that. You can't allow yourself to be unhappy, upset, or anxious over things in life that you can't control. I have my moments of struggle and weakness, but it's all about how to overcome it. When I get anxiety, I look at my surroundings describe them to myself. . I describe to myself the beauty in the sky, the mountains, and all that's around me. When I get depressed, I write down what I'm thankful for and what I have to be happy about. That's what gets me through it all. My best days are better than one bad day.
If there is anything I wish for, it's that mental illness is talked about more. I wish we could have more open conversations about it, and that talking about your struggles weren't so frowned upon. We are all going through something, big or small. We shouldn't hide or feel like it can't be talked about. We shouldn't be scared or afraid to start the conversation. This is a problem and we can get through every struggle together. So be open and honest of what you're going through, get the help you need(even if you're scared) and be that voice that someone could be looking for. It feels like what you are gong through is never ending, but if there is one thing I can promise, it's that things get better. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, and one day you will be able to see it as clear as day.
The reason I say those two were worse than my eating disorder all around is because they hit me all at once. It's easier to tell your self while recovering that "you don't need to purge." "it's not worth it." than being unhappy and anxious and saying "k calm down." or the worst "Be happy." In many ways I could cope with my eating disorder, and it felt impossible with my anxiety and depression. Not only did I have me reminding myself not to purge, but also to try and relax and be happy. During all this the only relief I had was cutting. I hate now looking back on it that it turned to that, but every time I cut.. I felt a sense of relief. It's almost like seeing the physically harm made sense, and I could breath again. Obviously this isn't something I recommend, please please please do not self harm. This is just what my story is, and in the moment why I was doing what I did.
Depression and anxiety are hard because I found that they were harder to explain than an eating disorder. Explaining to someone you're unhappy when they think you're fine is hard. Explaining to someone you're feeling constantly anxious is hard because if you don't have a reason why, they won't even attempt to understand. Someone seeing something is physically wrong with you makes more sense than what's beyond the eye. Anxiety and depression are hard for people to understand when they've never gone through it, plain and simple.
I remember telling my parents the first time I was unhappy, and this is nothing against them, they just didn't or understand or believe it was bigger than just being happy. The first thing they said was, "Happiness is a choice." Which anyone who struggles with depression knows we damn well don't choose to sit around and be unhappy. I choose everyday to try and be happy, and that choice never succeeded or went how I want. When people are upset they have a reason behind. When you are depressed, you don't always have one set reason. You're just off.. You're trying your best and nothing is getting where you want to be. You have good days, then the bad feel like they're never ending. But it's important to understand that your worse days in recovery are better than your best days not in recovery.
Once I realized I was just truly unhappy, I noticed my anxiety more and more. As far back as I remember I've always shown signs of anxiety. I was always anxious for no reason, my heart was always racing. I used to have the worst social anxiety, and I remember everywhere we went I made mom talk for me. I dreaded going to bed, knowing I had to wake up the next morning. When something would seriously affect me, I would have an anxiety attack and couldn't breath. One time I literally had so much anxiety that I ended up in the hospital for it. Anxiety is hard because you constantly feel like the world is on your shoulders, and explaining this all to someone who doesn't understand is a never ending battle. Now, with recovery I got over my social anxiety, and it's weird if you ever see me not talking. I do not dread going to bed or waking up the next morning, and I rarely have anxiety attacks anymore. It's all about how you cope with it.
Like I said, before when I had told my parents I was unhappy, it was hard for them to believe. As far as they were concerned, I was fine and "happiness is a choice" that I was failing to pick everytime. One day they saw my scars. That was the moment it all changed.. They realized things were much bigger than they thought and just like my eating disorder, they got me help right away. I saw a doctor that not only could treat me for my anxiety and depression, but also my eating disorder tied into it all and how it did so. I know people are skeptical about medication, that was my parents biggest fear, but it was my saving grace. But plain and simple. it's not for everyone. Not everything one person does works for the next. But honestly, without that and those who care about me, I don't know if I'd still be here writing this today. I know everyone is different, and I'm not saying that if you struggle you should go get on some medication ASAP, but it helped me with everything. My anxiety is diminishing an amazing amount, I no longer felt unhappy and constantly down or in a 'mood.' It's not something I plan on being on forever, but until I feel comfortable and genuinely myself. It's a good crutch to give you that extra push that you need. I went back to seeing/talking to someone, and that's something I'm always an advocate for. It always easier to talk to someone who gets it, than to someone who doesn't. Even if you have friends and family who understand, it's amazing what a different perspective from someone who specialized it can do.
Now, I feel like I can actually breath. Since getting on medication, getting the helped I needed, being open and honest about my struggles, I'm in a good place. The best place I've ever been in. I no longer have anxiety attacks, I'm not constantly unhappy (I mean, I have my days, but who doesn't?), and I no longer self harm. It's all about finding what works for you and sticking to it. I could have easily given up, lived an unhappy life, but no one wants to do that. You can't allow yourself to be unhappy, upset, or anxious over things in life that you can't control. I have my moments of struggle and weakness, but it's all about how to overcome it. When I get anxiety, I look at my surroundings describe them to myself. . I describe to myself the beauty in the sky, the mountains, and all that's around me. When I get depressed, I write down what I'm thankful for and what I have to be happy about. That's what gets me through it all. My best days are better than one bad day.
If there is anything I wish for, it's that mental illness is talked about more. I wish we could have more open conversations about it, and that talking about your struggles weren't so frowned upon. We are all going through something, big or small. We shouldn't hide or feel like it can't be talked about. We shouldn't be scared or afraid to start the conversation. This is a problem and we can get through every struggle together. So be open and honest of what you're going through, get the help you need(even if you're scared) and be that voice that someone could be looking for. It feels like what you are gong through is never ending, but if there is one thing I can promise, it's that things get better. The light at the end of the tunnel is there, and one day you will be able to see it as clear as day.
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