"Forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us"

One thing many people don't know about me, is that kindergarten through fourth grade I went to a private Lutheran school. Even during summer, my brother and I would go to bible camp. I truly believe that was a crucial part of my life, and I'm happy I got the chance to accept God into my life so early. I don't find myself to be a religious person by all means, but I have my faith. 

I couldn't tell you how many times in class we would talk about forgiveness, but I also remember how silly I used to think it was that we had to be reminded to forgive those and even our selves. I even learned about forgiveness, was told about forgiveness in therapy many, many times. That really got tested on me come what happened to me during middle school (like I talked about in my first post). I was unbelievably angry that that was done to me, especially by a friend, as I am sure anybody else would be. It took me years to forgive that friend, and I really don't think it was until recently that I had. 

Mind you, that time in my life was over 5 years ago.. It took me plenty of time to let it go out the window. But letting go and forgiving is key to living a happy life or even having just that weight lifted off your shoulder can change so much, and I mean that in all honesty. I could damn well still have decided to be angry, to be upset, to blame my actions on that friend, or to blame everything that had gone on during that time on that friend. Instead, I chose not to. I chose to forgive. I chose to let go. The past is in the past, and that's where it should be, but that is really something that was hard to accept. 

In no way, shape, or form am I saying that was easy to do. For me, forgiveness used to be hard depending on the damage done. I'm one of those people who either hold a grudge, or let go. And this situation wasn't black or white. But holding a grudge does nothing but strain and do damage to yourself. Like I mentioned, it wasn't until recently that I had forgave that person. But it's not like I really got a true apology.. Yes, that would have been nice, but that's not what is needed to forgive. I found it in my heart to forgive; letting go of that hurt and pain, and forgave within my self. I didn't need anyone else's approval for that, just my own. I didn't need to say, "hey, I forgive you." I also didn't need that person in my life. Just knowing I had let go was enough to do the job. 

I also had to find it within myself, to forgive myself. As hard as it is to admit this, I use to lay in bed.. upset, mad, crying, and tell myself how much I hated myself. Who wants to live a life like that? I didn't. I needed to forgive myself. It was easy for me to blame myself, especially while I was learning what I was really doing. That was the hardest part of it all. It's easy to forgive someone else, but forgiving yourself is real tough part. Because to put it lightly, it was my fault in the end. My eating disorder was my fault, no one else's. No matter how badly I want to make excuses for myself. Sure, it was easy to blame my eating disorder on getting teased, even if that is what pushed me over the edge.. But it's important to know that wasn't the reason I got the way I did. I found the reason in myself, and it was also time for me to find the forgiveness within myself. 

I guess I write this because I believe we all have something/someone we need to forgive, and I think we'd be lying if we said there isn't something we need to let go of. I know first hand how hard it is, but in time you'll find it is so worth it. So, let go. Forgive. I promise, it'll make you a lot happier. Even a little.