it happens, right?


Today, i relapsed. It kills me to write this right now, but all I can keep reminding myself to slightly feel better is "it happens." To all people, to all addictions- it happens.

I think I'm more upset over the fact that I literally couldn't even tell you the last time I fell back on my eating disorder. Probably close to 4 years since, atleast from what I can remember. I'm proud of that, and I'm not at all proud of today. I haven't wrote on my blog in a good 2 years, I've been itching to get back into it, and of course.. this is the time I start back up again. Sad, right? It's ironic to me, really. I started this blog to share my eating disorder. every struggle, and the daily struggle. So here we are, this happens to be one.

It's important to me to remember that I didn't completely finish. I let it out once, I reminded myself I am better than this and I can stop now. So I did, right then. In the past when I would be done throwing up, I remember feeling better-feeling relieved. I didn't today, I felt worse. Anxiety and guilt followed. I didn't at all feel better. After, once I looked in the mirror, I got a glimpse at who I used to be. Unhappy, not healthy-mental or physically. That's not who I am now, and that's definitely not who I want to be again. I am better than my eating disorder. I am better than starting again. I am better than relapse.

It's not anything for me to beat myself up over or to dwell on. I can pick myself back up off the floor and move past it. It's one set back, that's it. I'll continue to look at it as a reminder, and not something that will or ever define me. It happens, and I'm not the first person to have it happen to. As I was writing this I saw something that relates to this moment, right now. "Every morning, we get a chance to be different. A chance to change. A chance to be better, Your past is your past. Leave it there." This speaks volumes to me, right now- in this exact moment. I always have a chance to change, and I have a chance to leave today in my past.

Comments

  1. UnknownJuly 6, 2017 at 4:30 PM

    I'm proud of you for knowing your worth! You are so amazing don't forget that. I'm proud of you for being strong enough to stop and to know that you've achieved to much to fall back into your past! You are strong thanks for sharing!❤️

    ReplyDelete

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