Turning Point
In recovery, I feel like everyone has a turning point. Maybe you have, maybe you haven't. You don't just wake up one day and think "Maybe I should stop.. Today." Recovery happens when you're ready to put 100% effort into getting better. When you want to do it for yourself. You don't get better right away. It can take months, weeks, years until you give it all up for good. Everyday is a struggle. It's never just over.
For one, I think recovery is a part of life, and life doesn't really stop until the end. I don't think recovery will ever be completely over for me, I'll always be recovering. A few months ago, I went through a rough patch. The struggles were very real and very much there. They always will be, just some days will be easier than others. Things have gotten better, but I am constantly recovering. I talk about it because no one should ever feel ashamed (which took me damn near forever to realize I shouldn't be). I wish I realized that sooner, or someone told me that sooner. Don't be ashamed of your struggle, no matter what that struggle is. The shame of feeling you shouldn't be struggling, or shouldn't be talking about it, only adds to the difficulties of getting through it. Hiding it, keeping those feelings/struggles in do not make it any easier. If anything, it added to my urges, it made things worse. I've found that once you bring up those feelings, it doesn't feel quite as bad.
My turning point was the moment I realized my eating disorder was no longer just affecting me. It was taking a toll on my family, and in general, my life. It added to my anxiety, my depression, and eventually my self harm. I couldn't go through out my day, I couldn't do something simple like watch tv, or eat a meal without thinking when the next time I could purge was. It consumed my thoughts. It wasn't healthy. No one wants their life to be controlled by a demon, and that's what my everyday life was like living with my eating disorder. Everyone has their demons, my eating disorder was mine. No one wants to be controlled by basically a time clock of when your life could end. Hearing that if you were to continue, how short your life would be, how unhealthy you will be, that only added to my turning point. So.. I may not make it to college? I may not getting married, have kids, make a life for myself? It's the moment I realized above all, I need to do this for myself. And second, I need to do this for those who care about me as well. I want to see myself get better and recover, and so do those who care about me. I'd rather be struggling everyday to get better, than struggling everyday to live.
My turning point also helped me live everyday with intent. Once I got better, and even during recovery, it gave me hope. Before recovery, I can honestly say I just gave up all around. I was more depressed than ever, my life was controlled by a something other than my self. I didn't feel like myself. It's like I was going through the motions of living, and not truly living. I just all around didn't care. Recovery is healing your body and mind. I mean, what is life if your eating disorder controls you so much that don't even care about going through more than just the motions of life? I wasn't happy with myself, my life, and everything surrounding me in life.
I can 100% my life has gotten better since I got the help I needed and wanted. Easier? Hell no. Better? Yes. I am no longer only going through my motions of living. I am truly living and loving every moment. I'm happy. Maybe reading this is your turning point, that sign you need to keep going or to get better. Whenever or whatever it is, I hope you find it. If not today, than one day. When you find it, I hope you find the courage to keep going. It's not going to be easy, and it's always going to be easier to give up than to hold on. But don't. Don't give up, regardless of what you're eating disorder tells you to do. Because recovery is amazing. Getting better is the best choice I ever made for myself and I wouldn't have it any other way, even with the daily struggles. I'll preach that until my lungs give out, because all I ever want to see is people around me that are struggling get better.
So find your turning point, dig for that strength.
For one, I think recovery is a part of life, and life doesn't really stop until the end. I don't think recovery will ever be completely over for me, I'll always be recovering. A few months ago, I went through a rough patch. The struggles were very real and very much there. They always will be, just some days will be easier than others. Things have gotten better, but I am constantly recovering. I talk about it because no one should ever feel ashamed (which took me damn near forever to realize I shouldn't be). I wish I realized that sooner, or someone told me that sooner. Don't be ashamed of your struggle, no matter what that struggle is. The shame of feeling you shouldn't be struggling, or shouldn't be talking about it, only adds to the difficulties of getting through it. Hiding it, keeping those feelings/struggles in do not make it any easier. If anything, it added to my urges, it made things worse. I've found that once you bring up those feelings, it doesn't feel quite as bad.
My turning point was the moment I realized my eating disorder was no longer just affecting me. It was taking a toll on my family, and in general, my life. It added to my anxiety, my depression, and eventually my self harm. I couldn't go through out my day, I couldn't do something simple like watch tv, or eat a meal without thinking when the next time I could purge was. It consumed my thoughts. It wasn't healthy. No one wants their life to be controlled by a demon, and that's what my everyday life was like living with my eating disorder. Everyone has their demons, my eating disorder was mine. No one wants to be controlled by basically a time clock of when your life could end. Hearing that if you were to continue, how short your life would be, how unhealthy you will be, that only added to my turning point. So.. I may not make it to college? I may not getting married, have kids, make a life for myself? It's the moment I realized above all, I need to do this for myself. And second, I need to do this for those who care about me as well. I want to see myself get better and recover, and so do those who care about me. I'd rather be struggling everyday to get better, than struggling everyday to live.
My turning point also helped me live everyday with intent. Once I got better, and even during recovery, it gave me hope. Before recovery, I can honestly say I just gave up all around. I was more depressed than ever, my life was controlled by a something other than my self. I didn't feel like myself. It's like I was going through the motions of living, and not truly living. I just all around didn't care. Recovery is healing your body and mind. I mean, what is life if your eating disorder controls you so much that don't even care about going through more than just the motions of life? I wasn't happy with myself, my life, and everything surrounding me in life.
I can 100% my life has gotten better since I got the help I needed and wanted. Easier? Hell no. Better? Yes. I am no longer only going through my motions of living. I am truly living and loving every moment. I'm happy. Maybe reading this is your turning point, that sign you need to keep going or to get better. Whenever or whatever it is, I hope you find it. If not today, than one day. When you find it, I hope you find the courage to keep going. It's not going to be easy, and it's always going to be easier to give up than to hold on. But don't. Don't give up, regardless of what you're eating disorder tells you to do. Because recovery is amazing. Getting better is the best choice I ever made for myself and I wouldn't have it any other way, even with the daily struggles. I'll preach that until my lungs give out, because all I ever want to see is people around me that are struggling get better.
So find your turning point, dig for that strength.
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