Perfectionism at its Finest
For as long as I can remember, I’ve been a perfectionist. I honestly can’t tell you the last time I was just content with being content, but obviously I'm making progress day by day. I’ve always worried about not being my most perfect self, not looking my best, not acting my best. I’ve always been an all or nothing kind of person when it came to myself and how I looked. I've always been hard on myself even during times where I didn't need to be at all.
Obviously going through an eating disorder, you’re bond to be a perfectionist, but in every little way I absolutely was. It was the little things. Not just the way I looked, or I saw myself and my body. In literally every way possible. If I was getting ready for school and my hair didn’t turn out the way I wanted, forget it, because I wouldn’t even want to go anymore. If I slightly spilled on my shirt during school or out somewhere with my friends or family, I’d want to go home and change right away. If I didn’t like how my writing on my homework looked, I’d want to start completely over and rip up the page because my T wasn’t straight. If something I had planned didn't go the way I had planned, even slightly, my anxiety would take over because I was so worried things wouldn't turn out perfect.
I was a perfectionist when it came to what I ate and how I was eating. I hated eating in public, around people. I hated the comment “you eat so fast.” Because guess what? "Yes, I do eat quickly. I would so that I could get it over and done with. I didn't want to be judge for what I ate, how I ate it, or how quickly I ate. If I ate cake for dessert, all I could think about is how little I’m going to eat tomorrow, or how shitty I let myself feel because I ate something "bad." I always categorized the good food and the bad food. I mean, we all do to an extent, right? I took it to an extreme. I would hate myself during holidays because that not only meant “bad” food, but it meant a lot of food. This wasn't healthy at all. You can't just live your life thinking there are only good and bad foods. You have to find a balance, and you shouldn't get down on yourself because you ate one more cookie than you promised your self, or you ate more of your fries than you did your veggies.
Everything above were nothing but triggers. Looking back on everything now, all the times where I was worried about things not being perfect and letting my anxiety take over, I know now that it wasn't worth it. More so because I understand those were my triggers, and obviously living life like this wasn't healthy. Whether it's just with food, with needing every detail to go as planned, for everything to be perfect. None of that is a healthy way to go about life. I don't know if I have said it before, but part of the reasons why I would lean on my eating disorder and purge was because of things I couldn't control. Which is why I know now these were 10000% my triggers. Something didn't go the way I planned? I'd want to purge. If there were things, even little things, happening for reasons I wouldn't control, it made me upset. Purging, and how I could make my body look by purging, was in my control. I could control not only what went in, but what came out and how. When everything in the world couldn't be controlled by me, this one thing could be.
Out of everything in recovery, this took me the longest to get over (even though I'd say I still am a bit) and to accept that not every little thing was going to be perfect at every given moment. Even though I see these little traits in me today, I know how to handle everything and anything in between so that I do not fall into my old habits. These triggers came with recovery, my anxiety, and my eating disorder. It wasn’t easy, I can even say now it still isn’t. With everything, there is a struggle. But I do know now that there are things I simply can not control, and there are things I can. Like the serenity prayer says, I now have the wisdom to know the difference and I hope one day you will too.
Obviously going through an eating disorder, you’re bond to be a perfectionist, but in every little way I absolutely was. It was the little things. Not just the way I looked, or I saw myself and my body. In literally every way possible. If I was getting ready for school and my hair didn’t turn out the way I wanted, forget it, because I wouldn’t even want to go anymore. If I slightly spilled on my shirt during school or out somewhere with my friends or family, I’d want to go home and change right away. If I didn’t like how my writing on my homework looked, I’d want to start completely over and rip up the page because my T wasn’t straight. If something I had planned didn't go the way I had planned, even slightly, my anxiety would take over because I was so worried things wouldn't turn out perfect.
I was a perfectionist when it came to what I ate and how I was eating. I hated eating in public, around people. I hated the comment “you eat so fast.” Because guess what? "Yes, I do eat quickly. I would so that I could get it over and done with. I didn't want to be judge for what I ate, how I ate it, or how quickly I ate. If I ate cake for dessert, all I could think about is how little I’m going to eat tomorrow, or how shitty I let myself feel because I ate something "bad." I always categorized the good food and the bad food. I mean, we all do to an extent, right? I took it to an extreme. I would hate myself during holidays because that not only meant “bad” food, but it meant a lot of food. This wasn't healthy at all. You can't just live your life thinking there are only good and bad foods. You have to find a balance, and you shouldn't get down on yourself because you ate one more cookie than you promised your self, or you ate more of your fries than you did your veggies.
Everything above were nothing but triggers. Looking back on everything now, all the times where I was worried about things not being perfect and letting my anxiety take over, I know now that it wasn't worth it. More so because I understand those were my triggers, and obviously living life like this wasn't healthy. Whether it's just with food, with needing every detail to go as planned, for everything to be perfect. None of that is a healthy way to go about life. I don't know if I have said it before, but part of the reasons why I would lean on my eating disorder and purge was because of things I couldn't control. Which is why I know now these were 10000% my triggers. Something didn't go the way I planned? I'd want to purge. If there were things, even little things, happening for reasons I wouldn't control, it made me upset. Purging, and how I could make my body look by purging, was in my control. I could control not only what went in, but what came out and how. When everything in the world couldn't be controlled by me, this one thing could be.
Out of everything in recovery, this took me the longest to get over (even though I'd say I still am a bit) and to accept that not every little thing was going to be perfect at every given moment. Even though I see these little traits in me today, I know how to handle everything and anything in between so that I do not fall into my old habits. These triggers came with recovery, my anxiety, and my eating disorder. It wasn’t easy, I can even say now it still isn’t. With everything, there is a struggle. But I do know now that there are things I simply can not control, and there are things I can. Like the serenity prayer says, I now have the wisdom to know the difference and I hope one day you will too.
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