Baby Steps
I’ll be up front an honest with you guys right now, I used to never see myself as a positive person. Who I am today has taken time, and to be frank it still is taking time. I do believe that while you go through trials, hard times, and in my case recovery- keeping a positive outlook on things and life in general is hard. We all can agree on that, right? I let my negativity over rule everything in my life. I had a negative view on my self, my body image, people around me, recovery, life and all that was happening, and it was easier for me to point the finger at others than take a look in the mirror and fix/focus on myself.
When I look back on how I was when I started recovery, angry is the best word to describe my past self. I was angry with everything. I was angry I had to go through recovery and getting better, on top of stopping and ending bad habits. I was angry at everyone around me, even if they had done nothing at all. I was angry with life. I was angry that someone told another person about my eating disorder in order to force me to get help. I was the furtherest thing from positive and happy, and I looked at everything in the worst way. The littlest things set me off, I left my anger and negativity get the best of me. Nothing had a positive, only a negative. It effected my everyday life and my everyday relationships.
You’re probably thinking, “how could someone be so ungrateful that they were getting help that they were angry in return?” EASY. At the time it all started, I didn’t want the help. Wanting to get better and everything in between took time, it was never immediate. I was happy I was finally seeing my eating disorder (in my sick head) pay off, and now was being forced to quit. I was only happy that something was working. Period. Even if it was slowly, basically killing me. But I wasn’t truly happy, not even close. I let my eating disorder control so much of me that it allowed me to believe it was not only okay, but it was in my best interest to live life like this.
My eating disorder was my anger, my anxiety, my negativity and my depression all wrapped into one. I let it ruin relationships, friendship, and almost my life. It’s sad looking back on it and how I let myself physically and mentally get, but even when I have my days where I wish i was a little thinner, I know that trying (yes.. I’m still getting there okay? Aha) to live a healthy life is way better than ever going back to those days. Not only physically, but mentally. I couldn’t see past certain days, some days I didn’t even want to. My mind was so consumed over one single thought and goal. I thought that the only thing that mattered was me being skinny.. If I’m skinny, I’ll be happy. Right? WRONG.
Now I’m the absolute, most positive for myself and my future. It’s solely because I allowed recovery to consume me rather than my eating disorder, my anger, and my thoughts. I don’t fall back on my eating disorder to try and get “thinner” or even as a clutch to grasp control of my life- I’m finally in a state where I mentally feel not so embarrassed to go to the gym and try to get where I want to be. Even on bad days I constantly remind myself that it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. I’m not angry and constantly have a negative energy weighing over me, I’m finally happy and positive that I live such a great life and I’m so blessed and grateful to be where I am today. I’m no longer angry that I’m recovering. I’m so happy that I was forced to recover, and eventually fell in love with the process- as weird as it sounds. Because I found myself, my true happiness, and slowly but surely am getting healthy. Both mentally and physically.
Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
When I look back on how I was when I started recovery, angry is the best word to describe my past self. I was angry with everything. I was angry I had to go through recovery and getting better, on top of stopping and ending bad habits. I was angry at everyone around me, even if they had done nothing at all. I was angry with life. I was angry that someone told another person about my eating disorder in order to force me to get help. I was the furtherest thing from positive and happy, and I looked at everything in the worst way. The littlest things set me off, I left my anger and negativity get the best of me. Nothing had a positive, only a negative. It effected my everyday life and my everyday relationships.
You’re probably thinking, “how could someone be so ungrateful that they were getting help that they were angry in return?” EASY. At the time it all started, I didn’t want the help. Wanting to get better and everything in between took time, it was never immediate. I was happy I was finally seeing my eating disorder (in my sick head) pay off, and now was being forced to quit. I was only happy that something was working. Period. Even if it was slowly, basically killing me. But I wasn’t truly happy, not even close. I let my eating disorder control so much of me that it allowed me to believe it was not only okay, but it was in my best interest to live life like this.
My eating disorder was my anger, my anxiety, my negativity and my depression all wrapped into one. I let it ruin relationships, friendship, and almost my life. It’s sad looking back on it and how I let myself physically and mentally get, but even when I have my days where I wish i was a little thinner, I know that trying (yes.. I’m still getting there okay? Aha) to live a healthy life is way better than ever going back to those days. Not only physically, but mentally. I couldn’t see past certain days, some days I didn’t even want to. My mind was so consumed over one single thought and goal. I thought that the only thing that mattered was me being skinny.. If I’m skinny, I’ll be happy. Right? WRONG.
Now I’m the absolute, most positive for myself and my future. It’s solely because I allowed recovery to consume me rather than my eating disorder, my anger, and my thoughts. I don’t fall back on my eating disorder to try and get “thinner” or even as a clutch to grasp control of my life- I’m finally in a state where I mentally feel not so embarrassed to go to the gym and try to get where I want to be. Even on bad days I constantly remind myself that it’s just a bad day, not a bad life. I’m not angry and constantly have a negative energy weighing over me, I’m finally happy and positive that I live such a great life and I’m so blessed and grateful to be where I am today. I’m no longer angry that I’m recovering. I’m so happy that I was forced to recover, and eventually fell in love with the process- as weird as it sounds. Because I found myself, my true happiness, and slowly but surely am getting healthy. Both mentally and physically.
Baby steps, people. Baby steps.
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