10 Year Challenge
Hi, me again. I know I'm the absolute worst at staying consistent with posting. To be honest, during this little break I was tested multiples times on many different occasions when it came to my recovery. To say the least, 2018 was quite year of ups and downs and I'll to save that for a whole other post.
I saw a Facebook post going around about the "10 Year Challenge". I didn't really put much thought into it until I realized I can't even remember what life was like for me 10 years ago. Doesn't that seem like forever ago? Then suddenly, I was going through my own Facebook pictures, trying to jog my memory of what place I was in then. Then I came across one photo, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember exactly what life was like 10 years ago.
When I first started this blog, I did it because I posted a before and after post on Facebook about a "Transformation Tuesday" showing what my recovery had been for me at that time- comparing when I was in the worst time of my eating disorder, to where I was at that exact date of me posting it. Afterwards I realized how therapeutic writing was for me, but not only that, how many people it reached and how their response was to what I posted. Guess what I found that brought me back to where life was for me 10 years ago?
That same photo. The before photo, the photo during my eating disorder.
That same photo of me in my cheer leading uniform, faking laughing, as skinny as can be, and all I can remember is walking down in the parade feeling as fat as can be. Isn't it crazy how our mind can do that? Basically talk you into to an eating disorder, talk you into feeling completely worthless, and talk you out of feeling good about yourself into making yourself sick just to feel pretty or "skinny". I look back on that photo of me, 10 years ago now, I can't believe I ever thought badly about my body.
Ten years ago I was the deepest into my eating disorder than I think I ever was. I was just diagnosed with bulimia. I was purging with every meal, every snack I ate, anything that I thought would make me gain a pound. But above all, I was just a kid. I was a kid who cared more about getting skinnier than hanging out with my friends or having a time a lunch with them. I cared more about what I was going to be eating at lunch than what kind of fun I could be having. My life was flashing before my eyes and I couldn't even grasp that I was letting that happen to young myself.
Ten years ago I was unhappy. I was unhappy because I wasn't living for myself, I was living for an eating disorder.. If you want to call it 'living'. I was in the 8th grade, middle school, where you should be having fun. Not worrying about how soon I'd be able to purge. Not what meal I thought would make me 'fat'. Not worrying about who thought I was eating too fast. Not worrying about what my body looked like in every outfit I wore. I was worrying about things a child shouldn't be concerned about, things that people alone should never let consume their life. I was letting my eating disorder run my life. I was letting it make every choice I made, and consume every thought in my head. For anyone, that's not a life to live. Let alone a child. It wasn't worth it, and it took a group of people to make me realize that.
Ten years later, I'm living a life I'm proud of. I'm proud to say I haven't had a slip up or a single purge for 2 years in July. I'm proud to say that I let recovery take control, not my eating disorder. I'm proud to say my eating disorder no longer runs my life, and I hardly let it be a thought in my head. I'm not perfect at all, so I say hardly cause let's be honest, when I'm feeling the worst about my self, sometimes it slips my mind.. but I refuse to let it happen. I refuse to ever let something risk my life or my happiness again. I refuse to let my eating disorder call the shots. I'm proud to say I let what truly matters outweigh the thought of "what if I let myself purged just once?" because that is my eating disorder talking, it won't just be once, and my mental/physical health matters more than one purge, especially one purge that could start the cycle completely over again.
If you're in a positions right now where you're starting recovery and doubting it, trust me when I say you'll be where I am one day if you let recovery take the drivers seat, even if it doesn't feel like you will be right now.
In ten years, you'll be happy you let recovery take control. You'll be happy you let yourself be in control of your life instead of your eating disorder. You'll be proud to say even when it slips your mind, you were strong enough to pull your mind out of that hole. You'll be the one saying you're living a happy, strong, and long life for yourself and not your eating disorder. You'll be happy a meal with your friend or family doesn't get rushed or ruined because purging was more important. Cause guess what is more important, right now, and in 10 years?
Your life is more important. Your life will still be more important 10 years later.. Recovered.
So, there's your 10 years challenge. Recovery.
I saw a Facebook post going around about the "10 Year Challenge". I didn't really put much thought into it until I realized I can't even remember what life was like for me 10 years ago. Doesn't that seem like forever ago? Then suddenly, I was going through my own Facebook pictures, trying to jog my memory of what place I was in then. Then I came across one photo, and it hit me like a ton of bricks. I remember exactly what life was like 10 years ago.
When I first started this blog, I did it because I posted a before and after post on Facebook about a "Transformation Tuesday" showing what my recovery had been for me at that time- comparing when I was in the worst time of my eating disorder, to where I was at that exact date of me posting it. Afterwards I realized how therapeutic writing was for me, but not only that, how many people it reached and how their response was to what I posted. Guess what I found that brought me back to where life was for me 10 years ago?
That same photo. The before photo, the photo during my eating disorder.
That same photo of me in my cheer leading uniform, faking laughing, as skinny as can be, and all I can remember is walking down in the parade feeling as fat as can be. Isn't it crazy how our mind can do that? Basically talk you into to an eating disorder, talk you into feeling completely worthless, and talk you out of feeling good about yourself into making yourself sick just to feel pretty or "skinny". I look back on that photo of me, 10 years ago now, I can't believe I ever thought badly about my body.
Ten years ago I was the deepest into my eating disorder than I think I ever was. I was just diagnosed with bulimia. I was purging with every meal, every snack I ate, anything that I thought would make me gain a pound. But above all, I was just a kid. I was a kid who cared more about getting skinnier than hanging out with my friends or having a time a lunch with them. I cared more about what I was going to be eating at lunch than what kind of fun I could be having. My life was flashing before my eyes and I couldn't even grasp that I was letting that happen to young myself.
Ten years ago I was unhappy. I was unhappy because I wasn't living for myself, I was living for an eating disorder.. If you want to call it 'living'. I was in the 8th grade, middle school, where you should be having fun. Not worrying about how soon I'd be able to purge. Not what meal I thought would make me 'fat'. Not worrying about who thought I was eating too fast. Not worrying about what my body looked like in every outfit I wore. I was worrying about things a child shouldn't be concerned about, things that people alone should never let consume their life. I was letting my eating disorder run my life. I was letting it make every choice I made, and consume every thought in my head. For anyone, that's not a life to live. Let alone a child. It wasn't worth it, and it took a group of people to make me realize that.
Ten years later, I'm living a life I'm proud of. I'm proud to say I haven't had a slip up or a single purge for 2 years in July. I'm proud to say that I let recovery take control, not my eating disorder. I'm proud to say my eating disorder no longer runs my life, and I hardly let it be a thought in my head. I'm not perfect at all, so I say hardly cause let's be honest, when I'm feeling the worst about my self, sometimes it slips my mind.. but I refuse to let it happen. I refuse to ever let something risk my life or my happiness again. I refuse to let my eating disorder call the shots. I'm proud to say I let what truly matters outweigh the thought of "what if I let myself purged just once?" because that is my eating disorder talking, it won't just be once, and my mental/physical health matters more than one purge, especially one purge that could start the cycle completely over again.
If you're in a positions right now where you're starting recovery and doubting it, trust me when I say you'll be where I am one day if you let recovery take the drivers seat, even if it doesn't feel like you will be right now.
In ten years, you'll be happy you let recovery take control. You'll be happy you let yourself be in control of your life instead of your eating disorder. You'll be proud to say even when it slips your mind, you were strong enough to pull your mind out of that hole. You'll be the one saying you're living a happy, strong, and long life for yourself and not your eating disorder. You'll be happy a meal with your friend or family doesn't get rushed or ruined because purging was more important. Cause guess what is more important, right now, and in 10 years?
Your life is more important. Your life will still be more important 10 years later.. Recovered.
So, there's your 10 years challenge. Recovery.
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