it comes in threes, or fours, or fives, or-

Wow, Hi.. Actual years later. 

I truly didn't think I'd ever go this long without sitting down and writing, and honestly, I have been wanting to do this for a very, very long time. I gave myself all the excuses in the world. 

"I have nothing interesting to say."

"No one's going to care to hear about that."

"How do I even put how I'm feeling into words?"

I wish I could tell you I have a hand full of drafts I wrote up but refused to post.. but that would be a lie. I haven't even tried. The last thing I ever wanted to do is come back to writing and have nothing interesting, helpful, or good to say.. But this is the first time I've felt compelled to in forever, so here is my reality right now.

Excuse my language, but I am currently going through one of the hardest times of my fucking life. I wrecked my brand new car I barley had for over a year. My stalker came back into my life and violated the order. Then, I lost my job and tested positive for Covid all in one week. Double whammy, folks.

Now, when I put everything together of what I feel like is everything fallllling apart in my life, I start to pick it apart. Losing my job was probably a blessing in disguise, because I was absolutely miserable and doubting every second of my career/job change. Testing positive for Covid sucks, and even though it's a set back for 'job hunting', you ain't the only one. Wrecking your car may feel like such a bummer, but it's a materiel thing, so just be glad you walked away okay. You may be not be feeling like yourself, and you may be going through some of the worst anxiety, depression, and slumps you've had to deal with in a very long time.. but you always end up on top. Something good must come out of all this, right? Then, I find myself making excuses to remind my life, it really could be worse. Which... can be great, but also, Kennedie, stfu and let yourself feel the emotions of a really shitty time(s), okay?

To be completely transparent, having to say out loud "I lost my job" made me feel like a total failure. Not to say I have ever thought that of others, but it's how I started to look at myself. I think what the hardest part of all this, is I find myself thinking what back to "literally, where did all this go wrong?" It's so hard not to put yourself in that place, and eventually it just turns into a blame game. The 'if only's'  that went through my head about the year prior to now, they go on for forever. "If only I wouldn't stayed at my job where I was comfortable. If only I didn't want to go out and explore what else is out there. If only I didn't simply want more for myself. If only I would've been smarter in my next job choice." NO. I have to remind myself I left for a reason. I have to keep reminding myself, a million times a day, everything happens for a reason. I left for a reason, found that job for a reason, got let go for a reason. Cause I know myself, who I am, and I know what I was giving vs what I was receiving. It was going to be damn near impossible to make it work there. It drained me. That is not a reflection of me. Walk away and count it as a blessing, dude. This is all one big lesson. 

I know I have the most amazing, supportive people around me, don't get me wrong. But it's interesting how going through incredibly hard trails and challenges makes you feel the absolute loneliest. Please, when you feel this way, do yourself a favor and just reach out to someone, a friend, family. Hell, even go sit on the couch with your loved ones. Force yourself out of that funk, you have to. Remind yourself, something good must come of all this. Truly, that's what's getting me through. Even though things may feel like they're falling apart, maybe they're coming together. 

Right before any of this happened, I kept having a feeling of not doing enough, needing to do more. I just didn't feel far enough in life. The list goes on and on. I'd look around me and see people lives I dreamed of, I was envious of, and I was too busy comparing. Feeling like everyone was a million steps ahead and I was just waiting for my turn. In a way, this obviously gave me the push to get after what I want to feel 'successful' or 'further in life'. But it also reminded me that I was giving myself those expectations absolutely unwarranted. There is not rule book on where you should be in life. The idea of 'timing' is something we have all created in our heads and around us. Who's to say you're too behind or way ahead by 25? Who's to say you're not doing enough? Who's to say that by now you should be settling down, married, with a family, getting the promotion, buying that house, and planning your future? I could look at everything happening as a set back, or I could sit back and reflect on what this is teaching me.

Do you see where I'm getting at? 

We do it to ourselves, cause we're growing up and seeing what everyone else is doing around us, online, literally at our finger tips, and thinking we're doing it wrong when it's not cookie cutter, picture perfect or the smoothest sail of your life. We need to stop and smell the damn roses, because half the time, we're watching life flash before our eyes. Be in the moment, be present, be patient, don't rush your journey, and trust that your 'time' will come. 

Sure, I may be going through one of the hardest times of my life right now, but I've gotten through hand fulls of them before.. I know I can do it now. Even if it takes me days, weeks, months to pull myself out of this funk, things will get better and so will I.